TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely from place. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, sure, let us have another place where American Gentlemen can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer All people a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the venture, replied, "You are aware of, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from space, a element getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not merely ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb Trump Tower Damascus report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort wherever my PTSD may have transform-down support."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

Report this page